Posts Tagged ‘DivorceAndDating’


“Why does my Husband/Wife’s ex hate me?” By: Law Office of Steven B. Chroman P.C. Santa Clarita Divorce

Thursday, June 12th, 2014

Divorcing or separating couples have a new venture to embark upon. A new marriage, or dating brings along with it a new world of issues. With the holidays upon us, here are a couple of items that may touch on the core of what is really going on- you as the new ‘member’ need to know and respect what everyone involved may be going through.

1. They don’t hate you, but they may hate what you represent: The failure of a marriage, the breakup of the family, fear that they may have ruined their child’s life by not being able to make the marriage work.

2. They are afraid the kids will love you more. An irrational fear, as the chances of that happening are basically nil, but a common fear nonetheless.

3. They perceive you as overstepping boundaries. This could include showing up at a parent-teacher conference, forcing the kids to call you mom or dad, calling the kids “mine,” posting pictures of the kids on your Facebook page, trying to co-parent with by responding to messages sent to you’re the ex, etc.

4. They resent your participation in events they believes are reserved are “firsts.” These might include a first haircut, or a talk about the birds and the bees. You can be sure that mom or dad wants to be there for any sort of milestone. Try to be sensitive to that.

5. They perceive you as doing all the parenting while mom/dad is “let off the hook.” Stepparents often help with household duties and life in general. That’s what a marriage and dating is all about: partnership. But when one spends more time at work during visitation time, it opens the door for these kinds of feelings.

6. Now that you’ve come along, mom/dad is asking for more parenting time. You’d think this would be a good thing, but this change in dynamic can be threatening or scary for the ex. Not everyone likes change.

7. They don’t know you. When mom/dad send the kids off to be with their mom or dad, and this person they don’t even know will have full access to them, remember they don’t automatically trust you just because mom /dad does. But at the same time, they don’t necessarily want to meet you. A no-win situation for all involved.

8. They see their ex being a different than they were with you. It can be painful to see the man or woman you think treated you so poorly treating another like gold. They might still be grieving the loss of the marriage while the other has moved on. It’s nearly impossible to have good feelings toward you when they may still be processing — or in denial of — the loss of her family.

9. You actually did something worthy of negative feelings. Are you consciously or subconsciously trying to make them look like a bad mom or dad? Are you trying to prove to your husband or wife that you’re a better spouse? Are you trying to make your step-kids love you more? Take a look at your behavior and your motivations. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself to see how you might be contributing to the high-conflict dynamic.

For more information and a complimentary consultation regarding all dissolution matters, custody, support, pre and post nups, contact the Law Office of Steven B. Chroman at 661-255- 1800 or visit us at www.chromanlaw.com.

Huffington Post Article: How Overnight Dates Could Seriously Damage Your Custody Case

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

How Overnight Dates Could Seriously Damage Your Custody Case

By: Lenore Skonal for Divorce360.com

No. It’s the resounding answer to the question: Should you have a member of the opposite sex spend the night while you are divorcing, or even newly divorced?

“If there are children involved, overnight guests are a no-no,” says Kathy Stafford, 50, relationship coach and author of Relationship Remorse. “Children do not and should not have to deal with an endless stream of ‘new dads’ or ‘new moms.’ If you want to have a sexual relationship with someone new, that’s OK. Just don’t do it with the kids at home.”

And in her opinion, it doesn’t matter how old they are. “Children of any age are traumatized enough by the separation of their parents. I know that a lot of my clients say, ‘But my kids are older and they understand about sex. They know I like to have a sexual relationship.’ While that might be true, just remember the example that you are setting is that it’s OK to have sex with people you aren’t married to. I think that is a bad example to set. Monkey see monkey do.”

Morality aside, there are more pressing legal implications to consider when entertaining overnight guests while your children are in the house, especially if you are just separated and dealing with custodial issues.

“It’s never a good idea, but not even for the moral reasons or even the kids. I am thinking of it from a litigious point of view. We have had many cases that we have surveilled and that can be brought to light during the litigation and can jeopardize child support,” says Thomas Martin, 63, a private investigator and former FBI agent from Newport Beach, Calif. “You have to remember, at least in California, if you have someone stay overnight for three nights, and they don’t have to be consecutive, that can be considered co-habitating.”

And if there is a clause in your agreement or divorce decree that ties alimony or child support to co-habitation or can financially penalize you for having another adult sharing your living space, all of that can be jeopardized. And it might also cause some problems with your custody of your children.

“I would caution the client in terms of custodial issues down the road that it is not good judgment if you start having a trail of people through your house,” agreed Judy Poller, partner and co-chair of the Family Law Group at Pryor Cashman LLP, a Manhattan-based law firm. “You are actually harming your child. And I would be concerned if there were such issues between the parents that there was always going to be a concern about whether there could be good joint decision making regarding the kids.”

Even if it isn’t a revolving door of men or women running through your bedroom, it makes a difference. A steady relationship so early on might also color your divorce. “Say you are with someone on a fixed basis, you will be asked by a psychologist to bring that person in for an evaluation in child custody hearings,” says Daniela E. Schreier, 37, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor of the Chicago School based in Illinois, who has a background in forensics and works within the court system with custody evaluations. “This person has to come in to be evaluated. And we just had a case where an ex-husband came back and contested because his ex-wife hadn’t told the truth about the fact she was dating one man, and he had stayed over the house, spent weekends together and the kids were in his constant company. We had to reevaluate.”

While it doesn’t do much good to lie to the courts about having a significant relationship, especially during separation, it might be even worse to keep it from your soon-to-be- ex, especially if that person has control issues. If the relationship was abusive at any level, sleeping with another person might be the trigger for more violence. “For the control-freak-soon-to-be-ex-husband, it can create heavy duty jealousy issues,” Martin says.

“Yes, be careful and mindful because you are still in that relationship especially if you live in what was the shared residence,” says Schreier, who also specializes in dealing with relationships between controlling spouses and their partners. “You have the house but it also is your ex’s house. And sometimes that is how he views it. Does he still have the keys? If you were married to a possessive and jealous man, you don’t want him to walk in on you with someone else. What if he hires a private detective? If he is a controlling person, this will inflame him and could possibly lead to rage and violence directed against you. Even if he is not controlling, why give him more ammunition?”
________________________________________________________________________________________

Huffington Post’s article “How Overnight Dates Could Seriously Damage Your Custody Case” explains only a few of the many reasons why overnight dates could hurt your custody case.  If you are bringing someone into the shared residence, even if they no longer live there, you could find yourself in a long legal battle.  Overnights are not recommended, especially if the kids are with you.  Divorce takes a toll on everyone, especially the children, help keep the peace and steer clear of bringing dates around your home and children.  

Or maybe it’s your ex that is already having overnight dates with someone? The  overnights they have, especially in the family residence, could jeopardize their custody case and you would want to seek advice from an attorney on how to handle your specific situation.

If you are dating someone and want advise on how to handle overnights, or if you have a spouse that is already in another relationship, or co-habitating, especially if the children are aware, please contact our office for support and legal advice.

Law Offices of Steven B. Chroman, P. C. Santa Clarita Divorce
Call 661-255-1800 for your free initial consultation today!