Posts Tagged ‘TheStir’

The Stir Article: 10 Things You Should Never Ever Say to a Divorcee

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

10 Things You Should Never Ever Say to a Divorcee

By: Kim Conte from The Stir

I won’t go into the dirty details, but trust me when I say that my divorce was the saddest and most painful thing that’s ever happened to me. What made it worse? The really dumb things that people would say when I told them my husband and I were no longer together. I’d like to think that their hearts were in the right place, but it’s difficult to know for sure when their mouths were spewing such insensitive nonsense.

Check out the 10 things you should never, ever say to a divorcee.

  1. “Didn’t you see this coming from the beginning?” Busted! I glimpsed into the future and saw disaster and ruination but planned an entire life with him anyway because I enjoy a good crushing life-blow. Next time around, a little heads-up?
  2. “I always hated [insert scorned spouse’s name here].” Do you mean you always hated the man who I thought I would love forever and said so in front of everyone I knew on the best day of my life? Gee, thanks. (If you chose to procreate with scorned spouse, this statement is 168 times more offensive.)
  3. “OMG. Do you think I’ll get divorced, too?” The good news for you is that divorce is not contagious. The bad news is you may get divorced for being so damn insensitive and self-centered.
  4. “How do you find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?” It’s divorce — not the zombie apocalypse!
  5. “My husband and I had problems — but we decided to try harder and work it out.” Don’t assume that just because my name is Kim, I Kardashianed my way out of my marriage. Sometimes the best intentions, dogged determination, and all the counseling in the world just isn’t enough to fix what’s broke. That’s a scary thing to accept — which I suppose is why many people haven’t.
  6. “My husband and I have problems – just the other day we got in a big fight about whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher!” Can I please join you in your alternate reality?
  7. “What a bummer! … Hey, do you want to come to my heart-themed couples-only baby shower?” Not unless the baby shower has a game that involves watching a divorced woman drink herself into a coma.
  8. “When are you going to start dating again?” Immediately. Once those men see this tear-streaked basket case, I’m sure I’ll be married again in no time.
  9. “Oh no! Does this mean you can only date divorced men now? Ick!” Yes. And we’ll live in a divorced house and drive a divorced car and have a divorced dog and divorced children because we’re only one step up from ax murderers and that’s all we defective people deserve. (For the record, all the divorced men I’ve met are lovely.)
  10. But the worst thing to say to a divorcee is … nothing at all. Call me dramatic, but many people will tell you that dealing with divorce is just as painful, stressful, and life-altering as dealing with a death of a loved one. If a friend had a close family member or friend pass away, would you avoid the topic and pretend everything was business as usual? No, you would say things like, “I’m here for you. You’ll get through this. I care about you.” Guess what? Same thing goes for divorce. Just because it’s awkward doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

Law Offices of Steven B. Chroman, P. C. Santa Clarita Divorce
Call 661-255-1800 for your free initial consultation.

The Stir Article: 17 Things Only a Divorced Mom Knows

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

17 Things Only a Divorced Mom Knows

By: Jodi Meltzer for on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir.

After the divorce tear gas stops stinging and the OMG-I-should-have-been-a-lawyer bills are paid, there’s a period of awakening, of embracing your new reality as a divorced mom.

At times, it’s intoxicating. The freedom, the firsts, the time you have to devote to your precious child. Other days are wracked with guilt, with “what if”s, with longing for your baby. It’s a bumpy road only those who have gone through it can possibly understand. Here are 17 things only a divorced mom knows.

  1. How infuriating it is to deal with “Disneyland Dad.” Everything is more fun at dad’s. It’s no problem when your kid hangs from his ceiling fan while eating candy for breakfast.
  2. The loneliness of your kid making mom-free memories, taking mom-free trips, and enjoying mom-free time in a home where you’re most likely not welcome.
  3. Having to censor everything you say because your kid has become a recording device that plays back your conversations to his dad.
  4. Wondering which of your friends will be on Team Mom and which will be on Team Dad. They always choose sides — and this can mess things up for all of your kids.
  5. The challenge of co-parenting. If your ex is spiteful, he may do things just to piss you off (like feeding your vegetarian a double cheeseburger). And there’s nothing you can do about it. Also, see #1.
  6. Choking back tears on the phone knowing your baby wants a goodnight kiss you can’t deliver. Or worrying that he’ll wake up after a nightmare and you won’t be there to comfort him.
  7. Watching your siblings form teams with their kids for the family’s annual Thanksgiving Day lawn football game, but having no ‘team’ in attendance this year. Why do we even play football on Thanksgiving? Football is stupid. So is Thanksgiving. Decide never to celebrate again in solidarity with the Native Americans. Until next year, when your kid will be with you.
  8. The sting when your child says, “I want daddy!” Ouch. It’s so much worse than when you were married.
  9. Trying to act like a grown-up when you talk about your ex so you don’t “tarnish” your kids’ image of him or make them feel like they have to take sides. Even though you know they’d totally pick you. Right?
  10. Pretending you don’t notice your child watching the happy family of four eating dinner at a restaurant. Shiny, happy people holding hands, please go away.
  11. The thrill of post-divorce sex — no worrying about locking the door because your kid definitely won’t interrupt. It’s dad’s night!
  12. Wondering if and when you should introduce your child to your new man. OMG. Is he good enough to be a stepdad? Will my kid like him? Do I like him?
  13. Feeling like a third wheel on playdates that spill into the evenings when that lovely couple invites you to stay for dinner. Nice … but awkward.
  14. Agonizing over whether you’ll be “replaced” when daddy gets a girlfriend. Conducting a seance or doing a rain dance to ward this off.
  15. Feeling guilty about everything. From fearing your kid will blame you for breaking up the family to fearing your kid’s bad grades, allergies, [insert anything here] are all because of the divorce. Divorced mommy guilt is like regular mommy guilt… on steroids.
  16. The incredible exhaustion of being up all night with a sick kid and having to work the next day. There’s no more sharing shifts with the hubby. It’s all on you, baby.
  17. Cuddling with your child in your own home that’s finally free of toxic energy. Just the two of you.

What would you add to the list?

In The Stir’s article “17 Things Only a Divorced Mom KnowsMs. Meltzer states a few feelings that most all divorce moms understand. It’s difficult to go through divorce and feel the pull of what have I done (or what has he done) to this family.  The emotion of wanting to have your children with you all the time and posing the question of whether you could stay in a unbearable situation just so you can be there to keep them safe all the time instead of half the time.  
There are so many different thoughts that come into consideration when you are struggling with the back and forth of divorce or separation. Sometimes you feel cornered with no way out and that’s why we are here to help.  If you or someone you know is in a circumstance that is intimidating or even hostile, please call our office for assistant.
Law Offices of Steven B. Chroman, P. C. Santa Clarita Divorce
Call 661-255-1800 for your free initial consultation.