“Why does my Husband/Wife’s ex hate me?” By: Law Office of Steven B. Chroman P.C. Santa Clarita Divorce


Divorcing or separating couples have a new venture to embark upon. A new marriage, or dating brings along with it a new world of issues. With the holidays upon us, here are a couple of items that may touch on the core of what is really going on- you as the new ‘member’ need to know and respect what everyone involved may be going through.

1. They don’t hate you, but they may hate what you represent: The failure of a marriage, the breakup of the family, fear that they may have ruined their child’s life by not being able to make the marriage work.

2. They are afraid the kids will love you more. An irrational fear, as the chances of that happening are basically nil, but a common fear nonetheless.

3. They perceive you as overstepping boundaries. This could include showing up at a parent-teacher conference, forcing the kids to call you mom or dad, calling the kids “mine,” posting pictures of the kids on your Facebook page, trying to co-parent with by responding to messages sent to you’re the ex, etc.

4. They resent your participation in events they believes are reserved are “firsts.” These might include a first haircut, or a talk about the birds and the bees. You can be sure that mom or dad wants to be there for any sort of milestone. Try to be sensitive to that.

5. They perceive you as doing all the parenting while mom/dad is “let off the hook.” Stepparents often help with household duties and life in general. That’s what a marriage and dating is all about: partnership. But when one spends more time at work during visitation time, it opens the door for these kinds of feelings.

6. Now that you’ve come along, mom/dad is asking for more parenting time. You’d think this would be a good thing, but this change in dynamic can be threatening or scary for the ex. Not everyone likes change.

7. They don’t know you. When mom/dad send the kids off to be with their mom or dad, and this person they don’t even know will have full access to them, remember they don’t automatically trust you just because mom /dad does. But at the same time, they don’t necessarily want to meet you. A no-win situation for all involved.

8. They see their ex being a different than they were with you. It can be painful to see the man or woman you think treated you so poorly treating another like gold. They might still be grieving the loss of the marriage while the other has moved on. It’s nearly impossible to have good feelings toward you when they may still be processing — or in denial of — the loss of her family.

9. You actually did something worthy of negative feelings. Are you consciously or subconsciously trying to make them look like a bad mom or dad? Are you trying to prove to your husband or wife that you’re a better spouse? Are you trying to make your step-kids love you more? Take a look at your behavior and your motivations. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself to see how you might be contributing to the high-conflict dynamic.

For more information and a complimentary consultation regarding all dissolution matters, custody, support, pre and post nups, contact the Law Office of Steven B. Chroman at 661-255- 1800 or visit us at www.chromanlaw.com.

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